Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Stuck In The Same Hole.

 It's getting weird lately. When something doesn't goes according to your wishes. March, it's not the end I think, it's just another story. I start to think about that, though I already try to see the sunny side of everything. I start to lose my direction, which I already made from a long time ago, and now I lost my faith with that. I feel like I don't know about my own self, I lost that. I lost everything..
It doesn't get any better. It kills me as the feeling slowly grow stronger. Another strange feeling which start to crawl my heart. Which begin to ask my attention, more attention than before. I know that feeling, a feeling which I always ignore and pretend that feeling is doesn't exist, though I realize that we can't live without that feeling. Love.
I can said that I already forgot how it feels like to love someone and being loved. Of course, I have my family who always devoted an endless love to me, but it feels so different. You know, it feels like something missing inside you, though you already had love from your family & your friends.


Such a horrible feeling for me, but it does attract me. Like poker, it has two faces. Like a two side of razor. I miss how it feels like to being loved, but I just afraid that my concentration for study will split and everything is going to be super complicated. I admit I'm lonely, I admit it will be nice to feel special sometimes, but I'm not. I'm not that special for anybody, anything.

"And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist"

Actually I'm tired to hold this feeling, because as time goes by this loneliness conquer more and more. I have to choose, between my heart and my study. And my concentration is in my study, but I can't neglect this feeling continuously. Too much fear to open my heart, too much fear to be hurt and down again, also I can said that my heart is like a stone. 

"You know, I'm stuck between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I'm becoming. And I don't know what I have to do now."

I know, that I will meet someone-the best for the last-and we'll live together for our entire life. Throughout my life, I will meet one person who unlike the others, who treat me right. I could talk for him for hours and never get bored, I can't spend my one single day without seeing his smile. I could tell all things and he won't judge me. He listen.
I try not to care about love anymore, but it's hard. I don't know what to do. I already expect, so I'm ready to free fall to the deepest abyss. I will wait, until he comes. I will save my heart for someone who cares, someone who makes me happy, someone who doesn't complicate my life.

"I'm single, because God is busy writing the best love story for me."

I found it on my Tumblr, and I always convince my self that God is doing that. But, I start to feel like I'm drowning in my self-pity. Pathetic and another verb of desolate and pain. But I know, I need to work on my relationship with my God, so I will know what I really need and then He will send me the one that I really need.

P.S: For my ex, thank you so much for taught me what's the meaning of pain, misery and else. I really thank you for that. It's not a sarcasm words. It's truly from my heart. I know, God already showed me that you're not the one and the best for me. Thank you so much, for the love that being shared. It's been more than a year I haven't thanked you.. For once again, thank you.

Monday, March 7, 2011

March; Beginning & The End.

Every beginning has an ends. Quote from The Lord Of The Rings, and it stills captivate me. Have you ever wonder about the risks that you take when you start to make decision for something? Have you ever wonder it will be good for you, or the opposite, it has no any value for you? Have you ever wonder what people thinking about you, thinking about to stab your back, talking about you behind, have a bunch of bad intentions for you?
I don't want to influence or affect you with those kind of questions, but have you ever think about it? When you're alone and then, like from a thin air, it passing your mind, calmly and friendly. Because it usually happens to me. When you start to choose that you would rather live in your own daydream and your own fairytale, than you have to live in the real life that full of chaos. Color my life with full of chaos.
You know, I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. I try to be strong but I can't lie that I'm such a fragile broken thing that not so easily to mend. I try to ignore this feeling as well, as best as I can do. And now I realize that the pain is still there. I'm not doing anything that can cure it, I'm just ignore it. Ignore doesn't mean heal. It can be the worst enemy you've ever had but on the other side, it can be the best friend you've ever had.

The truth is, we walk away to see who will follow. We hide because we want to be found. We cry to see who will wipe away our tears, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.

Honestly, every night before I go to bed, I always stare at the wall and thinking about today, but not rarely that past passing through my mind and conquer it. My biggest question is, WHY and WHEN.

  • Why this pain is still there? Why I can't accept it all?
  • When it will be cured? When something strange inside me stop to crawl?

I'm tired to pretend that I'm strong, that I can handle this all alone. I'm tired to cry over and over again, though I always manage myself to say those two words, 'I'm fine' . I need my friends, but I start to think that they're fake. They're not there when I really need their help, and when I'm hopeless, no one's there. I have no any place to talk, I don't have any place to lamented. Oh God, you know what I want, but I know You will give me what I really need, and I thank You for that. I know you has a bigger plan than what I plan for myself. All I can do is begging for Your help.

March, a beginning of the end of my misery.. I wish..

Friday, March 4, 2011

Another Way To Describe A Same Topic.

Finally, I got a new topic for this post. After long time I haven't got any idea or inspiration for writing, you guess what? I think I will post anything about fashion. More fashion and more. In my previous blog I tell you about my creations on Looklet and some kind of look that inspire me. Now, I will post about the things that I really want and I really want to wear. So, despite of that things, I really want to reduce my body weight. I want to look skinny (not really skinny, otherwise) like when I was 15-16 years old. I was a high school student at that time and I'm still in progress to do that. But you know, sometimes it depress me a lot when you already working hard but the result? No any changes.
For fashion, I'm a type of person who like an outfit that has a warm looks, besides of a comfy one. Floral do looks good, but sometimes I prefer to wear something plain. No any pattern, just plain. Brown, black and gray, such a good color to wear. I really adore those colors.
Lately, I really like to use my old blue jeans jacket and I always combine it with floral shirts or plain tee. And the bottom, just a jeans and sneakers or sandals. I'm not a good fashion matchmaker, you know. I have a lot of creation inside my head, but I can't apply it for my own self.
Mine is little bit dull, but I still like it, tho.

And this.. I can't say anything. I really like this outfit!
And this one, my dreamy floral shirt. The lace, give me a thrill to have it, soon!

I like that brown cardigan, but with no that blue ribbons.

I can't resist. Pretty..


I really want this and I've seen it at Class Room, and the price is so unreasonable.
I can make a list--a wish list, for real--but the money that I will spend is no half-hearted. I will spend pile of money, but for that blue shirt with a lace on it, I will buy it! No matter how much the price is, I already have a crush on it.

Fashion, always makes you wonder..