Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
It's been a week that I'm home, we're separated by distance just for a while. You know what I do when you're there and I'm here? Sounds excessive, yes, but I'm counting down the days, doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying my time with my family, big no. Like I said, it's bipolar. My expression is bipolar.
Smile. I'm happy to see my family, spending time together with them. Sleep in my blue room, staring at those memorable wall, sitting in the living room and enjoying snack, washing dishes and else.
Sad. I'm sad to leave you there and realize that a week is a pretty long time to go without you. I used to wait you and see your face everyday, and it's not. And when I saw your display picture on BBM, it's more than longing. I hold back my tears and braced myself that tomorrow I'll be back to Surabaya and I'll see my Grandma and you. Yes, you. More than longing, dear. It leads to needs. I need you here.
Lately I've been missing you.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Oh yes, it's been a month that I haven't write any single thing on this blog. Oh, surely you'll get bored when I say that I'm busy with my college life, but that's true. I'm a sophomore, and I'm counting down the days to get my final exam. Assignment everywhere, presentation everywhere. Well, the final exam is in the air, I can smell it. And I've got a week for holiday. Not holiday exactly, but I'm pretty happy that I can escape from my college life, just for a while.
And my happy feeling become huge when I'm texting with my Mom, and she ask me to go home. What a good idea, and it's a rare thing that my Mom did. She never allowed me to go home if it's only a week. But me, as her daughter, can only say yes to it. As usual, I'm using train and it feels like, oh my.. I'm so glad even I'm still on my way home. And the next day, in the morning, I saw my whole family's face. A curve on my lips, no doubt.
Alhamdulillah ya Allah, you give me one more chance to see my family's face, to meet them, to spend my time with them. And I always hope that they are always in Your protection and Your guidance, may they always in a good state of health. Amin.
"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~Barbara Bush
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Hello guys, it's been a pretty long time that I haven't write anything in this blog, because I'm pretty busy and tired lately. Oh my.. It's April. I know it's not April 1st, but it's already 9th but it feels like the 1st anyhow. Talking about my previous blog, which titled 'March: Beginning & The End.", now I found out that April is my beginning. It's a begin for a new feeling, I'm incredibly happy, passionate and I don't know, I can't describe it in words. Maybe it's because of him, Barosy Debby Eyspana. In case, he is my classmate and my boyfriend now. First, I feel like 'oh my, it can't be happened!' but now I thank You God, for showing him to me. Insya Allah, we're good for each other and we can bring ourselves to be better person for the future.
It's funny of I remember about us, in this case for me & him. When he told me about his feeling, his face began to blush and I laugh at it. Cruel, yes. But his face in intolerable, his face turns red like an apple and yes, laughter everywhere. But if you read this my dearest Monju, I'm sure that you're good for me. If you're a good man, you won't do anything that has a possibility to ruin our relationship. I'm sorry for yesterday, but I feel it's good for us. To let us know what happened in our hearts and we can spilling all of our steam than we have to hold those pains.
And yesterday, my friend, Andhika, is really really impossibly passionate to give his prediction to me. He's a fortune teller, using his lovely tarot cards, and he start to give me his prediction about college and Mochi. And guess what? The result is really annoying (sorry for that, but it's true). My relationship with Mochi will be fine ('cause I know he's good for me, Insya Allah), but there's many obstacles. Well, I'm fine with that prediction, but for my college? I can said that it's annoying, irritating or something else.
He said, that my college life will be ruined. Okay, I admit that prediction is really make me down, really make me think. Think about what I should do now. And then I got a revelation. I try to see every single sunny side of everything, and I finally found out that maybe Andhika try to tell me that not because I have a boyfriend and now I forget about my college life. My Mom said that I should prioritize my college life first. I know it, I know my purpose here, and I need someone to give me lot of support. And I wish, it's him.
Thank you Mom, thank you Andhika and all of my friends that already give me so many advices. Now I try to keep my college and love life balanced as possible. And wish me luck for that.
That's a sad one and now let's move to good one, okay?
So, yesterday we watched London Boulevard, which is the weirdest movie we've ever seen. First, it's a good film and I can understand the plot, so does him. But further and further, we start to get lost with that. And when the movie's over, we're staring at each other and we exchange our do-you-get-that and do-you-know-what-is-it-mean view. But, yesterday is a good day, ever. I can see your smile, laugh, your silly face when you see me blushing.
"I've never been in love with anyone until you came along, not real love anyway. Not like this, and I'd be a fool if I let you slip away without a fight." --Nicholas Sparks
Thanks for being there when my time is superb hard. Thanks for going through that time with me. Thanks for make me sure that you’re good for me. I know it’s hard, and I already told you that my heart is like a stone, but on the other hand, thank you God for showing me someone that I need, and that is you. And now, I just hope that we can spend our time together and I wish we’re good for each other.
Nevertheless, I already put my expectations on you, and I care for you :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
It's getting weird lately. When something doesn't goes according to your wishes. March, it's not the end I think, it's just another story. I start to think about that, though I already try to see the sunny side of everything. I start to lose my direction, which I already made from a long time ago, and now I lost my faith with that. I feel like I don't know about my own self, I lost that. I lost everything..
It doesn't get any better. It kills me as the feeling slowly grow stronger. Another strange feeling which start to crawl my heart. Which begin to ask my attention, more attention than before. I know that feeling, a feeling which I always ignore and pretend that feeling is doesn't exist, though I realize that we can't live without that feeling. Love.
I can said that I already forgot how it feels like to love someone and being loved. Of course, I have my family who always devoted an endless love to me, but it feels so different. You know, it feels like something missing inside you, though you already had love from your family & your friends.
Such a horrible feeling for me, but it does attract me. Like poker, it has two faces. Like a two side of razor. I miss how it feels like to being loved, but I just afraid that my concentration for study will split and everything is going to be super complicated. I admit I'm lonely, I admit it will be nice to feel special sometimes, but I'm not. I'm not that special for anybody, anything.
"And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist"
Actually I'm tired to hold this feeling, because as time goes by this loneliness conquer more and more. I have to choose, between my heart and my study. And my concentration is in my study, but I can't neglect this feeling continuously. Too much fear to open my heart, too much fear to be hurt and down again, also I can said that my heart is like a stone.
"You know, I'm stuck between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I'm becoming. And I don't know what I have to do now."
I know, that I will meet someone-the best for the last-and we'll live together for our entire life. Throughout my life, I will meet one person who unlike the others, who treat me right. I could talk for him for hours and never get bored, I can't spend my one single day without seeing his smile. I could tell all things and he won't judge me. He listen.
I try not to care about love anymore, but it's hard. I don't know what to do. I already expect, so I'm ready to free fall to the deepest abyss. I will wait, until he comes. I will save my heart for someone who cares, someone who makes me happy, someone who doesn't complicate my life.
"I'm single, because God is busy writing the best love story for me."
I found it on my Tumblr, and I always convince my self that God is doing that. But, I start to feel like I'm drowning in my self-pity. Pathetic and another verb of desolate and pain. But I know, I need to work on my relationship with my God, so I will know what I really need and then He will send me the one that I really need.
P.S: For my ex, thank you so much for taught me what's the meaning of pain, misery and else. I really thank you for that. It's not a sarcasm words. It's truly from my heart. I know, God already showed me that you're not the one and the best for me. Thank you so much, for the love that being shared. It's been more than a year I haven't thanked you.. For once again, thank you.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Every beginning has an ends. Quote from The Lord Of The Rings, and it stills captivate me. Have you ever wonder about the risks that you take when you start to make decision for something? Have you ever wonder it will be good for you, or the opposite, it has no any value for you? Have you ever wonder what people thinking about you, thinking about to stab your back, talking about you behind, have a bunch of bad intentions for you?
I don't want to influence or affect you with those kind of questions, but have you ever think about it? When you're alone and then, like from a thin air, it passing your mind, calmly and friendly. Because it usually happens to me. When you start to choose that you would rather live in your own daydream and your own fairytale, than you have to live in the real life that full of chaos. Color my life with full of chaos.
You know, I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. I try to be strong but I can't lie that I'm such a fragile broken thing that not so easily to mend. I try to ignore this feeling as well, as best as I can do. And now I realize that the pain is still there. I'm not doing anything that can cure it, I'm just ignore it. Ignore doesn't mean heal. It can be the worst enemy you've ever had but on the other side, it can be the best friend you've ever had.
The truth is, we walk away to see who will follow. We hide because we want to be found. We cry to see who will wipe away our tears, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.
Honestly, every night before I go to bed, I always stare at the wall and thinking about today, but not rarely that past passing through my mind and conquer it. My biggest question is, WHY and WHEN.
- Why this pain is still there? Why I can't accept it all?
- When it will be cured? When something strange inside me stop to crawl?
I'm tired to pretend that I'm strong, that I can handle this all alone. I'm tired to cry over and over again, though I always manage myself to say those two words, 'I'm fine' . I need my friends, but I start to think that they're fake. They're not there when I really need their help, and when I'm hopeless, no one's there. I have no any place to talk, I don't have any place to lamented. Oh God, you know what I want, but I know You will give me what I really need, and I thank You for that. I know you has a bigger plan than what I plan for myself. All I can do is begging for Your help.
March, a beginning of the end of my misery.. I wish..
Friday, March 4, 2011
Finally, I got a new topic for this post. After long time I haven't got any idea or inspiration for writing, you guess what? I think I will post anything about fashion. More fashion and more. In my previous blog I tell you about my creations on Looklet and some kind of look that inspire me. Now, I will post about the things that I really want and I really want to wear. So, despite of that things, I really want to reduce my body weight. I want to look skinny (not really skinny, otherwise) like when I was 15-16 years old. I was a high school student at that time and I'm still in progress to do that. But you know, sometimes it depress me a lot when you already working hard but the result? No any changes.
For fashion, I'm a type of person who like an outfit that has a warm looks, besides of a comfy one. Floral do looks good, but sometimes I prefer to wear something plain. No any pattern, just plain. Brown, black and gray, such a good color to wear. I really adore those colors.
Lately, I really like to use my old blue jeans jacket and I always combine it with floral shirts or plain tee. And the bottom, just a jeans and sneakers or sandals. I'm not a good fashion matchmaker, you know. I have a lot of creation inside my head, but I can't apply it for my own self.
Mine is little bit dull, but I still like it, tho.
And this.. I can't say anything. I really like this outfit!
And this one, my dreamy floral shirt. The lace, give me a thrill to have it, soon!
I like that brown cardigan, but with no that blue ribbons.
I can't resist. Pretty..
I really want this and I've seen it at Class Room, and the price is so unreasonable.
I can make a list--a wish list, for real--but the money that I will spend is no half-hearted. I will spend pile of money, but for that blue shirt with a lace on it, I will buy it! No matter how much the price is, I already have a crush on it.
Fashion, always makes you wonder..
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Fashion. Who doesn't know about fashion nowadays? Everybody wear it everyday, they do fashion, but they aren't fashion; maybe some yes. Surely, my fashion isn't really like nowadays. I'm not a type of person that directly mimics a type of fashion. I don't want to be a fashion victim who forced a style all-out. I'm a type of person who choose a minimalist & comfortable one. All about comfy. Whatever I wear, it surely comfy for me. That's no use to forced a style to person, because everyone doesn't have same style. They're their selves.
"Fashion's fade, style is eternal." -Yves Saint Laurent
Talkin' about style & fashion, it has a connection with Looklet, Lookbook & another web that offers a beauty from the fashion world. And it starts from boredom. I turn on my computer on this morning, open my Twitter & Facebook and so on. Nothing to do more. So, I open my Looklet. It's been so long overall. I create a look then, and click click, foalla! It's done, and I will show you my creation below.
- Urban -
- Let's Go For A Walk, Shall We? -
- Funeralism -
- Mademoiselle -
Okay, for the last title it's kind of weirdo because I don't know what title that I should give. I wish I can buy all of those branded clothes.. But according to my previous blog, the problem is in the price and I'm not a type of person who can spend money so easily.
Have you watched 'The Devils Wears Prada'? A movie which starring Meryl Streep & Anne Hathaway and talking about Runway over and over again. Not only Runway, but also Jimmy Choo, Zara, Chanel, Dolce Gabbana, Prada, Oscar de la Renta and another million brand.
Fashion, yes fashion. Is that so important for us? For fashion, most of girls in this world willing to take pains and misery to reduce their bodyweight. For fashion, most of girls in this world willing to starving, until they have bulimia and another kind of disease. Like Nigel said, since two is the new four and zero is the new two, so girls willing to take risks for that.
Okay, I admit. I'm in progress to reducing my bodyweight now, but I don't want to take pains and misery. I'm diet, but in normal and healthy way. So girls, if you read this, you are much more important than those numbers. Just love yourself and do the healthy way. You're good just the way you are.
Well, but on the other hand I want to show you another of my inspiration for fashion. I really like denim actually, but mix and match with another style, why not? I found these pictures below on Lookbook. I like the outfits of them. It influence me.
Honestly, male styles influence me a lot.
"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." -Coco Chanel
" 'Style' is an expression of individualism mixed with charisma. Fashion is something that comes after style." -John Fairchild
Monday, February 21, 2011
Talkin' about the accessories, I'm one of huge fancier of necklace. I don't know why, tho my collection of necklace is only slightly. Well, maybe I'm not that huge fancier then. The (main) reason why I so rarely to buy necklace is the price. Sometimes when I already found the necklace that I really want and when I see the price, oh God, the price isn't good as the necklace, an unreasonable price.
Same thing with bracelet. I found the vintage one, it's blue and has a lace, and when I see the price, well yeah you can guess what's happened next, it bulged my eyes. So, that's the main reason. Another reason is I'm not that adventurer. I'm not a shopaholic. I'm not a kind of person who back and forth into the store. I'm not a kind of person who always prioritizing brand. I'm not a kind of person who always has pile of money in my purse, and I'm not a kind of person that easy to spend my money on anything, except I already have a big crush on it.
When you have no money but you already crush on the thing that you want. Err.. Back to the topic, okay? About my dreamy accessories, I really want to have a necklace with an owl pendulum or key. The golden brown one, 'cause I really like brown. Here's a bunch of pictures of necklaces that I want.
And this two pictures is from Evita Nuh's blog. You can check it out here. I really adore these necklaces, and FYI she made it by herself. How creative..
"The mark of a wise person is being able to reach beyond the truth, to admit they can learn more than they already know. A wise person doesn't string together the beads of unrelated events into a necklace simply to have something they wish to see. A wise person sees the truth even if it is something unexpected. That is the most beautiful necklace to wear - the truth." -Terry Goodkind