Every beginning has an ends. Quote from The Lord Of The Rings, and it stills captivate me. Have you ever wonder about the risks that you take when you start to make decision for something? Have you ever wonder it will be good for you, or the opposite, it has no any value for you? Have you ever wonder what people thinking about you, thinking about to stab your back, talking about you behind, have a bunch of bad intentions for you?
I don't want to influence or affect you with those kind of questions, but have you ever think about it? When you're alone and then, like from a thin air, it passing your mind, calmly and friendly. Because it usually happens to me. When you start to choose that you would rather live in your own daydream and your own fairytale, than you have to live in the real life that full of chaos. Color my life with full of chaos.
You know, I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. I try to be strong but I can't lie that I'm such a fragile broken thing that not so easily to mend. I try to ignore this feeling as well, as best as I can do. And now I realize that the pain is still there. I'm not doing anything that can cure it, I'm just ignore it. Ignore doesn't mean heal. It can be the worst enemy you've ever had but on the other side, it can be the best friend you've ever had.
The truth is, we walk away to see who will follow. We hide because we want to be found. We cry to see who will wipe away our tears, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.
Honestly, every night before I go to bed, I always stare at the wall and thinking about today, but not rarely that past passing through my mind and conquer it. My biggest question is, WHY and WHEN.
- Why this pain is still there? Why I can't accept it all?
- When it will be cured? When something strange inside me stop to crawl?
I'm tired to pretend that I'm strong, that I can handle this all alone. I'm tired to cry over and over again, though I always manage myself to say those two words, 'I'm fine' . I need my friends, but I start to think that they're fake. They're not there when I really need their help, and when I'm hopeless, no one's there. I have no any place to talk, I don't have any place to lamented. Oh God, you know what I want, but I know You will give me what I really need, and I thank You for that. I know you has a bigger plan than what I plan for myself. All I can do is begging for Your help.
March, a beginning of the end of my misery.. I wish..