It's getting weird lately. When something doesn't goes according to your wishes. March, it's not the end I think, it's just another story. I start to think about that, though I already try to see the sunny side of everything. I start to lose my direction, which I already made from a long time ago, and now I lost my faith with that. I feel like I don't know about my own self, I lost that. I lost everything..
It doesn't get any better. It kills me as the feeling slowly grow stronger. Another strange feeling which start to crawl my heart. Which begin to ask my attention, more attention than before. I know that feeling, a feeling which I always ignore and pretend that feeling is doesn't exist, though I realize that we can't live without that feeling. Love.
I can said that I already forgot how it feels like to love someone and being loved. Of course, I have my family who always devoted an endless love to me, but it feels so different. You know, it feels like something missing inside you, though you already had love from your family & your friends.
Such a horrible feeling for me, but it does attract me. Like poker, it has two faces. Like a two side of razor. I miss how it feels like to being loved, but I just afraid that my concentration for study will split and everything is going to be super complicated. I admit I'm lonely, I admit it will be nice to feel special sometimes, but I'm not. I'm not that special for anybody, anything.
"And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist"
Actually I'm tired to hold this feeling, because as time goes by this loneliness conquer more and more. I have to choose, between my heart and my study. And my concentration is in my study, but I can't neglect this feeling continuously. Too much fear to open my heart, too much fear to be hurt and down again, also I can said that my heart is like a stone.
"You know, I'm stuck between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I'm becoming. And I don't know what I have to do now."
I know, that I will meet someone-the best for the last-and we'll live together for our entire life. Throughout my life, I will meet one person who unlike the others, who treat me right. I could talk for him for hours and never get bored, I can't spend my one single day without seeing his smile. I could tell all things and he won't judge me. He listen.
I try not to care about love anymore, but it's hard. I don't know what to do. I already expect, so I'm ready to free fall to the deepest abyss. I will wait, until he comes. I will save my heart for someone who cares, someone who makes me happy, someone who doesn't complicate my life.
"I'm single, because God is busy writing the best love story for me."
I found it on my Tumblr, and I always convince my self that God is doing that. But, I start to feel like I'm drowning in my self-pity. Pathetic and another verb of desolate and pain. But I know, I need to work on my relationship with my God, so I will know what I really need and then He will send me the one that I really need.
P.S: For my ex, thank you so much for taught me what's the meaning of pain, misery and else. I really thank you for that. It's not a sarcasm words. It's truly from my heart. I know, God already showed me that you're not the one and the best for me. Thank you so much, for the love that being shared. It's been more than a year I haven't thanked you.. For once again, thank you.